Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Floating Darkness

Sometimes she felt in despair,
sometimes she moaned under her pillow to herself
sometimes the chances were bleak of her being complete
but she strived,

She tried to a point where she could tap a notch of her soul
And be back to the point where it all started.

Sometimes she felt that she could conquer the fears
sometimes she felt that it wouldn't be suffice
sometimes she broke the nib of red pens

Because that is the color she wore the most in her eyes.

Sometimes she speculated the obvious apprehension
sometimes she would shape the clay in her form of "love"
sometimes the glass was shattered to bits, not begging to be fixed.

Perhaps the glass was her clutched veins.

Sometimes she felt that she should leave,
sometimes it happened, that she left it all
sometimes the conclusion was to never return

Maybe it was all fabricated.

The expressions
The Light
The Care

Which were never actually constructed.


Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Just Like That ..

It did hurt me while writing
writing the words I haven't been
uttering to the fullest.
Deep down,
somewhere around a corner
of my heart...
I affirmed I cared
a little less, a little more
Free from the insecurities
& bondages,
I had flown to a new
cosmos
Where all I ever
received was..

Love. True Love. 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Why Dont You Letter Me?

Had not it been 10 years
You would have lettered me
With a crimson glow on your cheeks
I had known I would have smiled a little,
Where are those times of laughter
We used to have bursting a balloon,
Shaking the pebbles and swaying with the air.
All that,
Yes all that.
Feels displaced.
Like there was a new rage over and over
As loud as a man's cry,
As far as the continents ,
As lost as light behind a curtain
That falls only to close the patterns of
Our chapters,
The breadth and the width
Top to bottom
For once, I said it again...

Why didn't you letter me?

What was the reason
Of that demeanor
The stones you left me with words on it
What was the theme
Behind your words?
Or was it me who just meandered
From a mountain worth of ride
That once again uttered
The last phrases of your kiss
That it said

I would have been back,
If I wasn't gone 
Far so deep that I cant return
To a new solitude. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Aching Soul

We were aware of the part
When it was reaching closure
The hearts were as if stitched
Or injected with a drug of menace
So impure, That it wasn't recognizable

You departed, So did I
You left me weeping
Even through the night
Trust me.
My heart ached.

I saw the thousands of kids
With their mothers holding their hands
While I had none to look upto
I would just walk by. With an aching soul.

The times when I wanted to
Shop through the flip-flops, the sharing of
Lollipops. The pens and pencils I wanted to
Write about. You weren't there to be the share.
Trust me . My heart ached.

The time I grew up from a girl to a woman
You weren't there to get me through it.
All you said wasn't enough. It wasn't enough
To help me survive. But I did.

Months passed. And so did years
The void was never penned with
Anything new. Despite you being
There mama, you weren't.

And you wouldn't be a cure
To any of my disputes Ach
Since you left me when it was
Raining.

And never came back with an umbrella as completion. 

Monday, March 30, 2015

Living Like a Dead Moth


Chances were bleak if                    I l get back to myself
Everything I had touched               once, was fading
Like a spectrum of                         colors from blue to white
And on , and on                             with no identity of its own.
I had left Istanbul                           even when the memories did
Not stop haunting me                     like an ever ending wave of water
That flows with no                         set limit. But it does. Regardless
I missed his faith                            that was never to be endured or touched
But I missed it                                because I had believed in that neutrality
The surroundings which                was once ours.
Which he devastated                      with his hand on my face
Pasted like a painting                     in a world of no different 
Than a dead                                    soul which stinks like a moth. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Deadly Plight

I don't know i had heard it right
it seems like
like, i wasn't getting along
with rejection..

Hmm, what was it after all?
power of finances? or
power of a man?
the day couldn't have been worse
nothing had passed by as a bliss.

I was shattered, I fell
down on the floor with
no emotion.
I think the rejection was
overwhelming because I
remember the last time i had felt
this was when the cancer was back.

I can't go? What the hell do they mean
I can't go? It was my husband overseas
How could i just not be granted visa for
a damn visit? Shaking.Shaking.

It was nothing but a mere day,
mere night, I couldn't help but
regret the plight
Cried in the shower the very dawn
To soak myself up in the midst of
death.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Write me Pure

You were the star 
People hoped on
Mothers and children would
Pray your sanctity 
To be like you,
Is my only ride
To follow you,
Would be heck of a pride.

Write me down
If you can in a few
Slip the words,
Breathe the dew
Kiss me lemonade
Kiss the poetry
Analyze my arrival
And I will conquer the 
World.

Fly by music
Not hearing a word
Dance on the tunes 
Which are the weirdest
Fall in love with the nature so serene
Laugh all along in 
One breath. 

Write along with 
All the other
Smile and write
The one that doesn't make sense 
For it will make sense to you
The world wouldn't pay
For the curve on your face
So light it up,
And be the craze. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

SIX FOXES

'Sometimes I feel like you have no end to the uncanny arguments.'  I said.

'Well Mr.Rogers, Why don't, you effin leave me then?' She said aggravated by her own tone.

'Babe, you have no clue what you are doing to yourself. I can't see you hurting me and yourself as days passes by. Why can't you just tell me what has been wrong with you from past few months. All I am asking is the reason for your intrusive behavior. Please. Let me help you. I love you.'

'Enough. Stop your gibberish. Leave me alone. Just move, dammit. Why did I even concur to marry you. You are a fool. Oh no! Maybe I am, to have you talking here. Nonsense!'

At times she never knew what she had ended up exclaiming. I was not able to recognize her puzzled side. Was there something bothering her from past few days? Or was it me just annoying the heck out of her after 10 years of marriage? I couldn't say anything except consoling my inner self, that 'she is just going through a phase of disconnection. Give her time, and she will show me the best love ever required.'

At times, she would not sleep at all. And at times, she would sleep for two days straight without a say. There were moments, when she used to wake up disturbed and would start painting the faces of a fox without using the brushes or a bright color palette.

I had also seen her smirking to herself while painting the foxes using her dirty hands mixed with chalk and black ink.

'Babe, are you okay? Lets make love. I haven't felt you in a decade. Let me rewind your troubles' I mustered courage to ask her in the middle of the night.

While being busy in her chore, she used to blabber a kind of mantra which gave her strength to seek revenge on something she was trying to conceal.

'Arghhhhhh. Marry the night
                     Or let it go
                     You can't screw my light
                     Fucked up the glow. 
                     I won't tolerate this, I won't I l show
                    The way you screwed me up 
                    Was hell a globe.' She kept blabbering this while painting the gawky faces.

I sat down, watched her non-stop, incompetent to help but see her suffer. She still wouldn't say anything to me. I had started to fall apart now. All my efforts were in vain. Then one night she tried to confess something.

'Bruce.' she murmured while lying in the bed

'Yes huny, do you need anything?' Water? Food? Blankets?

'Umm. No. Umm. I mean, ummm I don't know. I am confused.'

'Confused about what huny? Please tell me what is it that's bothering you.'

'Bruce. I am torn.'

'Torn? Umm I did not get you love. What do you mean by torn?'

'You ask me right if I am okay. Or if I need medical help.'

'Eh. Yea babe. Go on.' I said, disturbed.

'They used to wear the masks of the foxes. Six of those. I....I.' She tried to speak while weeping.

'Yea?'

'They were foxes Bruce. I did not know how to react. They tore me apart. They took me far. Very far.'

Hearing this, I hadn't known how to submit my reactions to her.

'They did not hear me once. They just kept scratching my chastity. They didn't let me go. They did not care if I was alive or dead. Six of those foxes. No names. No known resemblances. I don't know where I was supposed to be that day. They stabbed every inch of mine with their claws. I am gone. Long gone seeking vengeance from my own self. I am not alive Bruce. Inside of me, there is a dead soul who can't be revived. Six of those. I can't think. H...e....l....p..........B..ru...' She was fainting while saying all this.

And she passed out unconscious. My face had turned blue hearing all of her talks. I got up.

'Valerie...Valerie...Val..Oh my god. What do I do? Val..Please get up. You can't just leave me out of the blue and end us here. Val..please. Don't do this. I will die without you. Don't leave me alone.'
 I lamented while trying to wake her up from the state she had gone into.

But she was gone. Gone to be amidst the stars. Be free. To not seek revenge but free herself from the bondage of the animals she had been surrounded with. To feel herself in her own community of peace. To live within no limits. To have a peaceful life. She died with pain inside of her. She had gone for all of this. I was left solitary.  Once again. She left me to free her from the restrictions of the society, love, family. Everything she was considered a part of.

And she was to me, a form of true love. Who was tormented to not live.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Wailing, sobbing, felt like a part of me was gone with her. When I heard a sudden voice which said : 'Six of those. No names. No resemblances. They were the FOXES.'


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

JOY.LOVE.FOREVER.

It was just a moment of love
the life was all about
the ifs and games
we played around with each other. 
I knew I was concealing the utter 
differences we had 
But I wanted to believe in the
mysterious love story
the dark and bitter sides of you
the way that a smell of coffee lingers
is the way your smell had melted on my stole.

Kiss me once,
I kiss you twice
let the world know tonight
that we can't be messed with
let the world know
that we are made of
care
sympathy
desperation
ecstasy
joy
and
organs of us.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Parayi Dosti

Inhi baaton ke charche hum ne kiye the
Jinse pyar ka rukh pura hua hai
Dar se darke bhi na dare hum
Tune usi ehsaas ko fir zinda kiya hai..

________________________________________________________________


Khwab hai toh kya
Pura to hona hi hai
Jeeke bhi jo na jeete hum
Aisa rona hi hai
Dost nahi woh ko kehte hai ye
Ke pass na rahenge 
Marne par hum
Khwab hi sahi, kya karega unka
Jo therey na tere sang har kadam.